“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” ~Dalai Lama 

The average attention span is a mere 8 seconds. To put that number in perspective, an eye blink takes anywhere from 2-10 seconds. So somewhere around the time it takes to bat an eyelash, is all you get. Or give. And it’s not nearly enough... Even when you attempt to focus, there are dings, clicks… At any given moment, an array of distractions vie for precious airtime in your headspace. Often, plugging in means tuning out. And while it’s easy to blame lack of attention on the Internet, it’s a little too easy to pass off mindlessness as yet another symptom of technology. If you think about it, the web could also be thought of as a boundless ocean of interconnectedness, linking us in a Yogalike way. One thing is certain: the need for true listening has never been more urgent.

Hearing or Listening?

A car horn honks. Rain taps the windowsill. A person tells you their name. You know the sounds are there; they enter your consciousness. Hearing is a sense. However, listening is a choice; one that involves selective attention and cognitive function. It engages the brain in an active way. Listening also requires a willingness to give of yourself. Even if that only means lending an ear for a few undivided moments. In order to truly listen to another person, it involves being emotionally generous. And to listen when you are alone is equally meaningful, in a different way.

Why Does Listening Seem so Hard?

Considering, the fear of public speaking affects roughly 75% of the population, you would think, listening to another person would be much more popular. After all, you get to keep quiet and let someone else do the talking. Shouldn’t that be the dream? In theory yes, except when people speak, it’s not always as captivating as a TED Talk. A person may go off on tangents, or take prolonged pauses. Also, the subject matter may not be your favorite topic. Even the sound of a person’s voice may be displeasing, including inflections of speech, tone, and energy. As you attempt to listen, your brain will also be taking in all the surrounding noise. And don’t forget that 8 second attention span, propelling you to veer off, in search of a more intriguing sound. Possibly, part of why there’s such a chasm in the listening department, is that doing so can seem tedious. Sometimes. All that mindless chatter. It can seem preferable to be the one rambling, rather than be on the receiving end. While that may seem like a good idea, it’s not wise or kind. Because like most of life, surfaces are deceptive. By not listening, you’re the one who misses out. Here’s why…

The Price of Not Listening

One person may speak vastly different ways, depending on whom they’re talking to. Both speaking and listening create a kind of energetic tango, each person takes unspoken cues off the other, and how captivating the dance is… well, that depends on the team. Something happens when you speak and the person on the receiving end doesn’t make an effort to comprehend what you say. They just stare off blankly waiting their turn at the chitchat dartboard… Like not being seen, when you don’t feel heard, it may result in microlevels of anxiousness and manifest as a sense of urgency… You may find yourself talking more, scrambling to get your words out, even repeating sentences in hopes that some of what you say will eventually penetrate. 

On the flipside, when you feel heard an energetic shift occurs. Body language changes. There’s a sense of ease in your posture and eye contact. Since you’re not worried about losing the spotlight, you can slow down and choose your words thoughtfully. It gives you a chance to respond to both questions and nonverbal cues. Ultimately, being focused while speaking affords you the freedom to convey meaning with fewer words.

What happens when you listen?

Weirdly, listening is a skill they don’t teach you in school. And yet, it’s one of the most essential learning tools. When you listen, your mind is active. As you process information, you ask probing questions… this allows your brain to form different neuro-associations and commit this new information to memory. 

Listening is not a chore. It’s a gift. Being aware and engaged through listening means being open… And the source can be surprising. Just like the ancient cliche, “Out of the mouths of babes,” you never know who will reveal something profound. Opportunities lie in listening. Ideas, or experiences may resonate and spark connections. The exchange may spiral into life-altering discoveries.

Compassion & Listening

Gazing at your phone, or across the room, is not a caring way to listen. And it halts your ability to be in the moment. Listening involves sharing your whole self. As you take in the words, notice the speaker’s body language, and what it conveys. Pay attention to how the words sound, the tone, speech patterns. Ponder what may be lurking underneath the words... Be an adventurous listener… When there’s a natural pause, ask questions that lead the speaker to a deeper level. Let your intuition guide you. 

Nobody wants to feel the sting of judgement when they speak… So resist the urge to interrupt and offer quick solutions. Instead, take time to engage in a selfless way, without thoughts of your own agenda. Be comfortable yet connected. Think of how you wish to be heard and lend an open, caring ear.

Befriend Quiet 

Quiet is far more than silence. You can be silent and allow your mind to weave scenarios, or perhaps think of what you’ll say when it’s your turn to speak. If you find your mind wandering… don’t become engaged in your thoughts. Like Yoga and meditation teaches, allow the thoughts pass without attachment and as you breathe, and return your attention back to focus. 

Listening requires intention and attention: mindfulness in action. It’s true, when you commit to listen, each person stands to grow from the experience. You may discover jewels of wisdom, when you least expect. Possibly, you’ll assist another person on their journey and contribute to new insights. Even so, listening is best offered without any expectations. Let the experience mirror other aspects of life; make it flexible. Playful. Imaginative. Flow with what’s being said. When you freely give to another person, listening becomes its own reward.